savannalope speaks

bicycle tour of america

2008-03-07T04:42:08Z

parts I and II

He was leaving. Or maybe he was going. Something has to be left behind if you’re leaving. It was 4 AM and he was going. He stuck his small pile of items in his back pack and hopped onto his bike seat. The bitch had stolen his heart and then his car. He didn’t care, it was better this way. For 8 months he had been dating her. But “dating” did not do their relationship justice. Their hearts beat at the same pace. Somewhere in the midst of their mutual obsession she’d had a mental breakdown. Her eyes got glassy. They turned the most beautiful black.

She said she needed time. He said fine. She asked to burrow his car. He said “anything for you”. He was stupid. For 8 months he’d been holding his breath. She called him yesterday only to yell into the phone “I’m in New York! Oh, and I’ve got your car. I’ll be back in a few months.” She was drunk. She had to be drunk. She was fuckin’ crazy. He didn’t care anymore. He was going. He was breathing.

“Chyeah right,” his sister laughed when he told her his plan. “You’re going to make it about 10 more miles and then realize you’d rather be back in Portland. Then you’re going to be calling me begging me to come pick you up because you don’t feel like biking the 30 miles back.” She was his sister, he loved her, but man, she could be a bitch. “No man. This is for real. I’m doing a bicycle tour of America. I need to get some perspective,” he said. “Damn right you do! What do you think I’m trying to give you?!” she said. He sighed. Sometimes you’ve just go to go completely solo. He hung up. She’d understand. That’s what sisters are for. He ate another orange slice. Oranges suck. Citrus foods suck.

things i need to remember while i'm remembering them

2008-02-26T16:19:57Z

heh.

there was a week or so where i thought i was in love with everyone in my school, that the fact that we were all seniors has us glued together like a happy little family. alas alas, i went to visit sugar and realized, that if only i got to spend more time there, my two selves would become one, and i could be myself completely (whoever that is) and fit in beautifully. it is one of those instances where your heart wants to be in 2 places at once. i love this tiny town, but i can imagine that my social life would have been very different had i grown up in a place where the kids listened to the same toons as me and were always attempting to play music. i could have been musical, and i'm still hoping that their enthusiasm will rub off on me. my social phobias would be much less intense, i'm sure, and i wish that for the final months of my senior year i could be in tosa, to experience something new, and i expect, better.

i'm counting down how long until i return (3 weeks) and hoping that by the time i get back all the people i met haven't already forgotten me. this switching between to social worlds is a little stressful, and i tend to choke up and get quiet, but i'm feeling ready to take on this social challenge and meet some true bloo friends and sing their socks off, and convince them to let me join a band and then become famous. (that was a bit of an exaggeration)

it's a good thing that sarah is the only that reads this.

and still we walked humbly down the street
praising every bug that met the wrath of our feet

you believed the colors when they told you you were blue,
even though i told you not to

the steps we take in our sleep
take us backward
every snore is a war against time (HAHAHAHAHA my mind is coming up with awful metaphors, similes and analogies.)

i wish i could write songs.

Ways in which my educators have failed me.

2008-02-20T17:35:08Z

She is moving. He r body is trapped in the knowledge, the things they taught her. She didn't know ther was anything else. Feelings mean nothing when you're learning. Assume that your brain and heart are not connected. The things they say make me shut my mind nad tune them out because sometimes they don't deserve to be heard (when they're not hearing us). I want to be a number in the crowd. I would like to be invisitlbe for a while. IN my mind I'm yelling "IM NOT LISTENING!" because in my mind I'm 3 and the world is mine and your slow drone is interrupting my beautiful singing. People don't see you, the never see you. I am opaque, and you are looking through me. I am a zombie worn by years of mouths speaking through me. My educations has broken mind because no one has the time to realize they need to take more time. I have done years of dishonor to myself by never acting seriously. My cheeks are burning with frustration and I think it's pretty. They've made us defensive because they taught us that being wrong is wrong. I want to cry, but I won't. I want to act like a baby but when you get older it's forbidden to need anyone other than yourself. Right now, I never want to see these faces again because they know who I've been and not who iwill be. I think they have faith in me, but I haven't taught them that I am a person to be taken seriously. I shoud try, I should care, I should try to care but all I've ever learned was things. We never spend time on the things that are important. How do you let someone know you're upset with out being hostile to them? I miss Sugar and Sarah RIGHT NOW because they can read my mind and they can fix it just as easily. I wish the things I loved and held closer were more important to the world, and the more I learn the more dpressed I feel. The more i feel like hiding in side and becoming a Zombie. I am 17 and everything I know and feel is tainted with factual knowledge. I'm nearly 18, i should be reado to think for myself but you've used my brain to store your knowledge and now all i want is for you to think for me. Congradulations teachers (off all brands) in setting me back 10 years. (Minus the few of you the gave me room to use my mind for my own purposes.)

Senioritis is more than just an anxious desire to leave. It is a discovery. A terrible discovery that the last 13 years of your life have been very close to a waste.

twat

2008-02-14T05:07:47Z

I'm officially officially fresh out of words to write in scholarship essays. i sound like a twat in all my essays.

it was much too cold to walk to school today, but i didn't realize that until it was too late, so i spent the whole day trying to warm up. now all i want to do is sleep but anxiety is pumping through my veins and i feel like i haven't gotten anything done. i have everything half done.

we don't have any envelopes the right size and that is making me royally pissed.

goood daaayy

2008-01-18T17:06:52Z

dropping chamber choir to take an independent studies course that will focus on some African aspect. AND, more excitingly, I am headed to UW MADISON FOR COLLEGE!!!!!!!!

after weeks of anticipation i am in in in in in innnnn!!!

dorgknorl @ 2007-11-12T09:44:00

2007-11-12T15:49:13Z

He wears his wrist watch like it's a vital organ. The way it slides up and down his wrist with every movement makes him nervous. We're stuck on time. We're broken. Every night before he goes to bed he cautiously slips the watch off his writst, kisses its face, before setting on his night stand. We are trapped by the future. We're broken. He wakes up and showers. He put his watch on before slipping into his underwear. WE are babies. WE are babies forever. The inscription on the back of the watch reads "time is of the essence." He polishes it daily. he is in love. We are sad. We live in a world where happiness is television. We don't deserve these precious lives. We keep talking but we're saying nothing. I want you tosay something. I want you to say something. I want his watch to break. You are screaming. How can you hear yourself think? I want you to say something.

west coast.

2007-10-18T03:42:54Z

at this very moment in time i have an incredibly strong desire to go to san fransisco for school next year so i can learn how to surf and intern at mcsweeny's or at least volunteer for one of the many organizations dave eggers is a part of.

i know my mother worries.

but there is a big part of me that want to go west.

the past and pending

2007-10-11T02:07:12Z

She slouches carelessly in her seat, trying to embrace what is left of the cool summer day. The shadows of passing cars move across her face at warp speed, reminding me of strobe lights. "How was Vegas?" she asks, the way one does when attempting to make small talk. "The same as usual," I say nonchalantly, like going to Vegas is my job, something I do everyday. "Did you win any money?" she asks, trying to stop the awkward silence from slipping into our conversation permanently. "40 bucks. Not really worth the trip." I say with slight sarcasm in my voice, to lighten the mood. "Of course the amount of liquor I drank probably put me in the hole at least $100" I said, and then paused "man, I got so fuckin' wasted. You would've been proud." She laughs half heartedly, but I can see her eyes are glazed over and that they are fixated on the little grains of salt scattered over the table. I start to regret this decision to meet an old friend in some odd attempt to rekindle some sort of friendship, sometimes things just aren't meant to be.

She sighs, a long heavy sigh, and I don't know what that means. "How's your love life?" I ask even though the conversation has always made me uncomfortable. "Oh, the same as always, you know me," she says while smirking slightly with her eyes. "What about you? Have any boy encounters yet?" she asks condescendingly. "No, no boys," I say in hopes of avoiding further inquiry. She doesn't get it though. "God Dammit! When are you going to meet someone?" she says like I've been choosing to remain with out a boyfriend just to torture her. I don't respond. If this conversation goes much further we'll be talking about my celibacy and sex talk has always made me uncomfortable.

Suddenly, I feel slightly sick to my stomach, a feeling I remember well, that reminds me of high school and the days when I let other people control me. For some reason, I had more to say then, probably because I was never speaking for myself. She looks at me strangely, like she knows exactly what I'm thinking. She used to be too self involved to notice that she never really knew me. "I'm sorry," she whispers vaguely, almost as though to someone else. I don't know what to say. There are things I miss about the way I used to be, the things I used to do, but I let that all go for a reason, and I can't say I'm sorry if I don't mean it. I stare at her a little longer and then glance down at her hand bag and say "I like your purse."

ciao bella

2007-10-10T03:48:54Z

We all choose something to believe in. We put meaning into things that are seemingly meaningless. Does this make them something? Or do are they just meaningless things that we falsify? we are keeping ourselves alive. we are keeping ourselves well. i've almost figured out how to be as independent as will ever be necessary. not that i know.

what do i know? i'm only 17. i'm more immature experience wise than a 12 year old.

coffee beans.

2007-10-06T02:32:29Z

I like to spend rainy days getting lost in books, but I can't pretend I don't have a terrible obsession with television. Despite the fact that we don't have a television in my house, I somehow manage to watch more TV than my friends whose houses are adorned with 3-4 televisions. I like doing handstands. My body curves at an awkward angle when I'm upside down like that, as though I balance better by being slightly off center. I find that this reflects on my personality. I'm far too aware of my quirks and play them up in an attempt to make a statement even though I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I secretly hope I have quirks that I'm completely unaware of, knowing so much about oneself is unhealthy. I believe in magic. I see it in when I watch people listen to live music, I see it when my family is piled into a room laughing. I have vague attempts at being witty, but I usually think too much and become too serious. This is not what I wanted it to be.

Things are not ever what I want them to be.

Je suis ici!

2007-10-01T02:58:15Z

After 2 years in hiding, i have returned to the live journal world. unfortunately, i have nothing good to say just yet. i have a strong urge to clean my room.

[it is raining and that makes me feel safe and free. ]

howdy

2005-07-26T13:17:07Z

Well hello there, I haven't written in this for a while... In any case all my cousins have been, conquered, and left and I am left here with my brother who will be leaving in a few weeks time. I am actually finding things to keep me busy, like reading Cheaper by the Dozen. Apparently everyone is feeling sad and lonely since they are no longer surrounded by 14 other people all the time. I found out that I might have a typewriter that works which would be really cool... if I do I will probably type everyone I know letter on it because I will be so excited about the fact that I have a typewriter. If you have a paid accoutn you can post by phone? That seems silly. I think that my legs are getting better.. I seem to be noticing some of my things dissappearing or atleast not hurting to the touch which is excellent. I want some freaking frozen potstickers DAMMIT! I wonder where I can find them. I am getting desperate. ha ha. If I find them i am going to by about 30 packages so I never run out. ha ha. mmm... potstickers. ha ha. I am going to go dream of potstickers while watching Everybody Loves Raymond. leave me lots of notes because i am bored and checking this obsessively no doubt.

Cake!

2005-04-28T12:29:28Z

I went to see Cake last night and it was awesome (besides the fact that my dad almost got into a brawl, but you'll hear that story some other time). Anyways it was very cool and I miss it. Like I do with all things. Oh well. I might go see modest mouse at the Orpheum in June. hmm... I have to go to school now.

I was 20 years old when I wrote this song

2005-03-13T02:41:38Z

and I'm 21 now but I won't be for now-Billy Brag

Savannah is very bored. I have been watching to OC all day. It is like a relapse of the OC fever which Satchel and I had a few months ago. Much of it is because of my lack of friends that don't live 1600 miles away but I am determined to fix that soon. But for now I have my good friends Seth, Ryan, Marissa, Anna, and Summer to keep me company. Suprisingly enough, they don't seem to notice that I'm stalking them ;) In any case, this be my entry... I am going to go.. watch the oc and then attempt to do some homework.

Caught in some fatal accident

2005-03-10T22:22:49Z

Hello. I was bored and decided to write in this again. Listening to Radiohead makes me really sad, especialy ok computer because of Romeo and Juliet. It makes me depressed. After watching that movie I had some really sullen morbid thoughts. It was really scary and I really thought that I was losing my mind, which made me think of the Bell Jar a little but mostly I was just thinking of the movie. anyways, having the radiohead song at the end of the film just made me very depressed and now when I listen to it I get completely sullen and morbid and my vision gets blurry and I start hearing things (ok...minus the blurry vision and hearing things). so I thought I woudl just mention that. Only like 2 weeks until spring break... pretty exciting. Oh my, why did I start thinking of Romeo and Juliet again? I know that it is a classic tragedy bla bla bla. But it just makes me sad because it seems like they deserved to live more than a lot of people in the world and reminds you of all the terrible aspects of life in one big whoosh. Maybe I will write a poem about... considering I need to submit to the mark by tomorrow. I think that I am going to go do something to that effect.

dorgknorl @ 2005-03-09T09:48:00

2005-03-09T16:01:01Z

Well I haven't written in a really long time and don't plan on writing very often but I have 30 min. left of study hall and nothing to do.. I mean, I could do homework but that is just plain stupid. I really have nothing exciting to say. I got new pointe shoes on Monday and sewed them and that was... exciting. not really. I think that I like pointe shoes after they have been used but before they are completely destroyed. I don't like them brand new, they are hard and for some reason I don't find them as pretty. It looks like you have worn them at all (which you haven't) and that they are just for looking at ha ha. What other interesting thoughts do I have? none. I will think of something though. Radiohead is fucking brilliant. but you all knew that. My birthday is in like a month or so close... Exciting... suuurrrrreeee... My insane brother returns Monday which I am excited about. I wonder if he has changed a lot in the last month. He is very bad at contacting people that are far away from him which sucks because his e-mails and calls consist of figuring out how he is going to get home, so I have been fully brotherless for the last month :( and things have happened that have possibly changed my view of him though I don't have the full story so that may not be true. who knows. There are about 2 people that read this and one doesn't have the internet... that makes me sad. In any case, I am off... But I am sure Lauren will be happy that I actually wrote in here for once.

"I want to sleep, beneath a weeping willow, as it cries all night quietly; It's tears all around me; Til I'm allowed finally to wake and be happy, again"-Grandaddy

I try to sing it funny like Beck

2005-01-06T13:16:43Z

... but it's bringing me down. -Grandaddy

I have just learned that I love Grandaddy. ha ha. iPods are magical :D. I have learned about many new bands because we got some music from Satchel's friend. Do you ever listen to songs that are happy but they almost make you cry because they are so magnificent and you are amazed by how unique and pretty they are? Si. That is what Grandaddy did to me. SNOW DAY. I got up at the normal time though. I decided there was too much to do. Go to the Coffee Shop and library, read Wuthering Heights,watch a movie, listen to music,so why not start early. Plus being up early isn't that bad when your day is filled with fun things to do. La la la. la la la. I am now listening to Miles Davis. ha ha.

love,
Savannah

dorgknorl @ 2005-01-02T12:37:00

2005-01-02T18:40:44Z

Tear. I am sad. I miss them. Si. OH well. I get to go back to shcool tomorrow. woohoo. I am so excited (all of this said in monotne). Yay. I get to mop the floor and do homeowrk. how exciting. (also in monotone) on the good side I GOT MY MUKLUKS. Yay.

love,
Savannah

dorgknorl @ 2004-12-22T21:29:00

2004-12-23T03:29:00Z

Yay. I am in wisconsin... maybe it is because I live there but I can't be sure. But anyways we are having a grand time just sitting around and spilling chocolate malts all over nice white carpet. Actually Sarah did that and we had to clean it up by scrubbing vigurously, it's an excellent work out, I suggest being cleaning lady or man as a living.

My 8 year old cousin said some pretty scandolous things here is two of such incidents

number 1:
Garrit:"Let's go potty, on Noah"
Noah:"Let's not"
Garrit: "Actually, let's hump Noah"
(Shocked silence)
Garrit: "I know you think it's weird that I know about this but I do know about this because I have 8 year old grown upness"

number 2:
Sarah:"Here you can have some of my fish for being so nice to Noah"
Noah: "Here sarah for being so nice to savannah you can have some of my fish"
Garrit: "For being so nice to savannah you can exit my gene pool"
Patrick: Do you even know what that means?
Garrit: Shakes head no.

In any case we are havinga damn good time. kick ass live journal.

message read on the bathroom wall

2004-12-14T03:35:50Z

that says I don't feel at all like I fall- Modest Mouse. I love you MM. CONGRADULATIONS DEAR COUSIN!!! WOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!! Hmm... well today was pretty good. THe performance went well. I am sick of myself getting crushes on people I don't know really but that just seem like generally cool people. I think that when people look at me I look fairly average and for some reason they just don't want to take the time to get to know me. I wish I had a bubble around my head that told people my thoughts and didn't let them walk right past me. There are so many people I want to meet. I suppose I should just go up to them and talk to them but it isn't that easy. It isn't that they are hostile but they may have a judgement that just makes them not feel like really getting to know me. Some would say not to bother trying to meet them but we all know secretly that we look at someone and get some kind of judgment or something. I don't know. I have met one of the people I really wanted to get to know and even though we don't talk it is like we are friensish because we "observe" eachother and smile at eachother. Hmm.. that was a bad explanation. I guess we are aware of eachothers existance beyond the point of knowing eachother names. Yeah, I will stick with that. I hate being lonely.ahh well... what can you do? It hard to find people who want to meet people as much as I do and I will have to put in extra effort. I have lost my ability to write so I think that means that I have lost the ability to connect with myself. Blech. I don't need a break. I just need to meet people who are open. Don't worry I love all of you that I already know more than you can guess. Meeting new people would just be very good for my well being.

love,
Savannah

Michelle, my belle

2004-12-12T16:04:40Z

these are words that go together well.- The Beatles Satchel and I decided that line was pretty damn funny/cool. Yesterdays entry was extremely boring... oh well. Today I am semi busyish. I have some homework I wanted to clean my room to make way for my drumset :) I have a preformance for dance at 3:30, I have to mop the floor, and I am seeing polar express. And I am worrying about the first show chior performance tomorrow becuase worrying is what I do best. Stupid things like - will I pick up the mic. and get to my spot on time and is the mic. giogn to be turned on and stuff. Now I realize that by mentioning these stupid things most people will think that I am bragging about have a solo but sadly I am actually worried about these things. I best be off to get some of my tasks done.

love,
Savannah

I think I'm paranoid

2004-12-12T06:04:44Z

it's complicated- Garbage

Whoo. went bowling tonight and it was pretty fun. Sadly I think I scared all the guys away because of my hyperness and crazy dancing. But screw them. hmm... yeah. So excited. Peter shows start on WEdnesday!!!!!! and cookies next Sunday. I am very very excited. well I suppose that is it.

love,
Savannah

my mind is filled with silvery thoughts

2004-12-06T01:00:56Z

honey kisses clouds of fluff.-Wilco

Oh yeah. Laure, the Wilco I want is Being There. ha ha. hmm... sigh savvy is lonely boywise. And everything wise. But i have lost my capability of being able to explain things or figure out how I am feeling. Just a bit lost I suppose. Mostly I am happy but I am in the position of not knowing who likes me and who is just pretending. And many other issues. I don't know how to splain. Maybe I will figure it out someday. Until then... I don'tk now. later my friends.... there are two of you that read this..... I really need to get more people to but.. oh well.

love,
Savannah

There I be ain't I pretty

2004-12-01T21:57:47Z

it's my city I'm the king of New York -Newsies. Randomely got that song stuck in my head. hmm... Today was interesting. Especially study hall. I got accused (though not to my face i just overheard) of "checking" this girls boyfriend though I have looked at him about once. Sadly this one time happened to be when he was sitting on a desk with his pants half pulled down and ass hanging out. It was not pretty. I am a bit afraid of this girl though and she will probably confront me. Oh well. I will just become invisible...it seems to work most the time. Grr... Study hall is now a scary place. I will just bring a book and never look up from it. :D Well I have to go work on a project. later.

love,
Savannah

You've got a lot of things going on

2004-11-27T05:03:53Z

am I just one?-Carey Ott
Hello everyone? How were your thankgivings? Mine was good, though smaller than what I am used to. Blech, I have a big project due next friday and am having procrasination issues. Maybe I will work on some of it now. Anyways, though I love it here at my grandma's i am a bit sad to have to spend 5 days here... especially because I left my mothers birthday present at home so I won't be able to give it to her until Sunday. Oh well. :D Yay! Christmas is coming! hmmm... So now I am rotting myself away watching hwat not to wear.. ha ha. Well that is about it.... later dudes.

love,
Savannah